


Been So Long (But Now I'm Finally Free)

by Princeyssash



Series: Enby!Reggie [1]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Nonbinary!Reggie, Post-Canon, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:34:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27251284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princeyssash/pseuds/Princeyssash
Summary: Reggie has a bad day and discovers some information about themself.or, a very self-indulgent enby!Reggie fic
Series: Enby!Reggie [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2000842
Comments: 13
Kudos: 137





	Been So Long (But Now I'm Finally Free)

When he was alive, Reggie never felt like he fit in with the other boys. He would watch them hang out, would hang out with them sometimes, and feel like he was watching from the sidelines.  
He met Alex, Luke, and Bobby when he was 13. Alex was sweet and caring, Bobby was funny and up for playing pranks, Luke was super cool and nice and he played the guitar. Luke was also different and Reggie liked that. He felt safe with Luke, who never seemed to care about what other people thought, he just did what he wanted to. 

When they were 15, Alex came out to them. Reggie, Luke and Bobby watched as he paced from one side of the room to the other, not stopping until Luke quietly got up and grabbed his hand. He told them he was gay in whispered words, eyes on the ground and hands not stopping their fidgeting for half a second. When Luke hugged him, he relaxed slightly. Reggie told him how proud he was of Alex for telling them, and Bobby mumbled a “that’s great”. Reggie shared a smile with Alex as he joined the hug. It wasn’t perfect, but they were family, and family always supports each other.  
Reggie didn’t expect that afternoon to replay itself in his mind for months and months. Maybe that was why he didn’t feel right? Maybe he was gay as well. But he also looked at girls, he thought girls were pretty and sometimes he wanted to kiss them. He wasn’t gay.

When they were 16, Luke came out to them. He sat down on one side of the couch as Alex sat on the other side and Reggie was on the chair. Whispered words, very similar to how Alex told them, but with a different message. I’m transgender, he whispered. Not a girl, like the doctor had told his parents, but a boy, like Reggie and Alex. Reggie couldn’t explain why that last sentence hurt. He pushed it away to hug and reassure his friend. Telling him that he would always love him as he already did. It wasn’t perfect, Bobby wasn’t there, Luke would have to come out to him as well and go through the anxiety again, but now he had Reggie and Alex, his family, to support him.  
Later, Reggie thought to himself that maybe that was why he felt wrong all the time? Maybe he was trans as well, but the other way around. Maybe he was a girl, not a boy. At first, it made sense. He didn’t feel like he fit in with the other boys, and had always liked talking to and being friends with the girls in his class. But he didn’t want to have long hair or wear makeup like the girls in his class. The longer he thought about it, the more it didn’t feel right either. 

When they were 17, they died. They died together, laying in the back of an ambulance. Whispered words of reassurance lost to no longer hearing ears. 

~

Reggie knows it’s going to be a bad day as soon as he wakes up. Or comes out of the weird kind-of-sleeping state that he and the boys seem to go into instead of sleeping. He feels it in his guts, as soon as he says good morning to Luke. It feels so wrong and he just wants to curl up in a ball and not move.  
So that’s what he does. He takes Alex’s pink hoodie and poofs to Julie’s room, staying away from the boys so he doesn’t bother them with his bad mood. He lays down on top of the covers because no matter how much he wants to bury himself under the covers, he knows Ray might come in to drop off laundry and he doesn’t want to give the man a fright by having the duvet appear to be floating on its own. He curls into a ball and pulls the strings of the hoodie tight.  
At first, he thought becoming a ghost would solve his not-feeling-quite-right problem. It seemed to in the first few weeks. Today proves that wrong. He hasn’t felt this bad in a long time. He curls his arms around his stomach and tries to distract himself the best he can on days like this.

Julie is surprised to see Reggie in her room when she gets home.  
“Reg? What are you doing here?” She starts off annoyed but when he takes a better look at her bandmate she realises how bad he looks. “Are you okay?”  
“Hey ghost boy!” Flynn waves at the spot they assume Reggie is. Julie watches as Reggie flinches at Flynn’s greeting. She sits down on the edge of the bed.  
“Reg?”  
Reggie slowly moves his head up to look at her, and she has to hold back a gasp. He looks like he’s been crying and she has never seen him this sad in all the months she’s known him. She grabs his hand and holds it gently, softly rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand to comfort him.  
“Can you tell me what’s wrong, Reggie?” She asks softly and watches as Reggie slowly nods before he begins to talk.  
“I just feel bad, Jules. Do you ever feel bad? Like really bad where everything is wrong and there’s this pressing feeling on my chest and it hurts to breathe?- I don’t have to breathe anymore but it felt like that when I was alive. Everything feels wrong and I don’t know why and I thought at first it was because I’m gay, but I’m not gay. I like girls too. And Luke, I also really like Luke. Please don’t tell him I said so.  
Then I thought maybe it was because I was a girl but I’m not a girl, I’m not. But I’m also not a boy I think? But I have to be a boy or a girl, right Jules? You can’t not be a boy or a girl, you have to choose.  
I don’t always feel bad but sometimes I do and today I feel really bad and I didn’t mean to invade your privacy but I didn’t want to be in the garage and I didn’t know where to go so I came here, I’m sorry please don’t hate me.” he gasps for breath when he finishes talking and looks at Julie apologetically. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you with all of that.”

Julie listens as Reggie rambles, never interrupting him. When he talks about not being a boy or a girl, she looks at Flynn and smiles at them softly. She had the feeling Flynn might be able to help Reggie more than either of them would think. 

“Can I hug you?” Flynn hears Julie as and a few seconds later she’s clinging to Reggie, still invisible to Flynn, and her hand is making stroking motions so Flynn assumes Julie is stroking Reggie’s hair.  
“Hey Reg,” she whispers after a few minutes of silence. “I think you might be nonbinary?”  
What? Flynn, knowing what they did about Julie’s band members, never expected those to be the words Julie was going to say, but they weren’t going to judge. Of course not. They vividly remembered a day not too long ago where they and Julie had been sitting on this same bed, with Flynn in Reggie’s place. They’d known Julie would be nothing but supportive but still, coming out was terrifying. They are pulled back to the scene before them when they hear Julie giggle softly.  
“No not like a computer, silly, nonbinary means you’re not a boy or a girl.” She turns to Flynn. “Can you explain? You’re the nonbinary person of the two of us, you actually know what you’re talking about.”  
Flynn nods, of course they can explain. Anything to help out Julie and her bandmates.  
“Okay,” they say, taking a deep breath, “I want to start by saying that the definition of what being nonbinary means can differ per person, and no way is right or wrong. Jules is right, the main idea of being nonbinary is that you don’t feel like the gender you were assigned at birth, but you also don’t feel like the other binary gender. You feel like a gender that isn’t on the binary, you feel nonbinary. People who are nonbinary most often use they/them pronouns as their personal pronouns, though some people still like he or she, and other people might use neo pronouns like xe or hir.  
To me, being nonbinary means that I’m not a girl, but most days I don’t mind she or her pronouns. I dress quite feminine and I enjoy fashion, things that are stereotypically connected to being a woman, but I know I’m not a woman. Ultimately that’s all that matters if you ask me. If you know you’re not a girl or boy then you’re most likely nonbinary.”  
Flynn looks at Julie for a second, quietly asking if they need to backtrack and waiting for Julie’s nod before they continue.  
“Then, of course, there’s the less fun aspects. Body dysphoria being one of the worst. The days where you just feel so bad and wrong and it feels like the only thing that could possibly help would be if you could crawl out of your skin. The days where you can’t stand the mirrors in your house or seeing your reflection in a window. On those days I usually grab the biggest hoodie I own and try not to think about existing too much. Have a good cry, or watch some dumb videos to distract myself.” They smile softly. “Ultimately, being nonbinary is wonderful, it’s a gender identity that’s all yours, you get to decide what it means for you and when you do there’s an amazing community waiting for you to support you on your bad days and cheer you on on the good ones.”

Reggie listens to what Flynn says with the most attention he has paid to anything in a long time. The more Flynn talks, the more things start to make sense. It’s like something clicks in his brain. Their brain? Yeah, they like the sound of that. It felt right. When Flynn mentions body dysphoria and the way it makes them feel, Reggie realises that today is probably a bad dysphoria day for them. The things Flynn says about wanting to crawl out of their skin almost exactly match the thought Reggie had earlier when they were curled up on Julie’s bed alone, before Flynn and Julie found them.  
“I think-” They stop and take a deep breath. “I think that’s me.”  
“That’s wonderful, Reg.” Julie smiles at them as she hugs them tightly again.  
“Can I… Can I try they and them as pronouns?” Reggie whispers quietly, not daring to look Julie in the eyes. They feel a hand on their cheek, soft and caring, and chance a look at Julie. Her eyes are soft and full of acceptance and Reggie has never been more grateful that they ended up at Julie’s house when they, Alex, and Luke became ghosts.  
“Of course you can,” she smiles at them, then turns to Flynn. “Reggie just told me they’d like to try they/them pronouns for now.”  
“That’s awesome!” Flynn grins at them, almost directly at them, and Reggie is impressed because they know Flynn can’t see them. “If anyone gives you shit, just tell me and I will fight them. Even if they’re ghosts. I’ll find a way.”  
Julie giggles and Flynn winks as them, which makes Reggie giggle as well. They were really glad they met these amazing lifers, even if they had to die to find them. 

~

Reggie smiles when they see Flynn walk into the garage. Even if the other can’t see them, they feel lighter knowing they’re here. Flynn understands. Flynn is nonbinary too. They’d help explain and would defend them if Luke and Alex responded in a bad way. Not that Reggie thought they would, but they were still scared. They might not understand, might not know what it means and that means they might react badly.  
“Flynn! Jules, say hi to Flynn for me please!” Reggie looks at Julie with a pleading look on their face until Julie turns to Flynn to relay the message.  
“Reggie! My favourite bandmate! How’ve you been?”  
As Julie sputters in protest (“I thought I was your favourite bandmate, Flynn”), Reggie grabs a notebook that they keep nearby for when Flynn is here and writes them a note. 

_I’m good! I want to come out to the boys today, can you help me?_

They wait anxiously while Flynn reads the message and feel relieved when Flynn looks at them and nods.  
“Of course I will, Reg! I’d love nothing more.”  
Luke looks up when he hears Flynn speak.  
“What is she talking about? Reg what did you ask Flynn to do?” He looks for Reggie to Flynn to Julie and back to Reggie. “Reggie, what’s up?”  
They fidget with the bottom hem of their flannel as they look at Luke and Alex. What would they think? Would they still accept Reggie? Would they still want them to be their friend? Would they kick Reggie out of the band?  
“Are you okay, Reg?” Julie asks.  
“You know you don’t have to, right?” Flynn tells them. Reggie nods to themself.  
“I know, but I want to,”  
They watch as Julie tells Flynn what they said and chance a look at Alex and Luke. They both look very worried.  
“Okay I love all of you very much but please tell me what’s going on, I’m getting seriously worried.” Alex says while looking at Reggie. “You’re not dying, are you? Please tell me you’re not dying.”  
“Alex you’re all already dead…” Julie looks at him while she says it, trying to lighten the mood.  
“Okay, okay. I’m ready.” They take a deep breath and look their bandmates in the eyes.  
“A couple of days ago I discovered something. It’s something that I felt for a long time, even back when we were still alive, but never had the words for. When I grew up, I never really felt like a boy. But I also didn’t know I could be anything else. I felt lost. And then I met you two and Bobby and it got a little bit easier for a bit. Until I had one of my bad days again. Those sucked, suck, and I never knew why I felt so bad. Then you came out Alex,” they smile at their bandmate, a smile full of love. “You talked about feeling like you didn’t fit in and not feeling ‘right’ growing up and I recognized what you said in myself. But not entirely, something was missing.  
Then you came out Luke.” They smile at Luke softly, with as much love as they showed Alex. “You told us you were trans and that meant that you were a boy, not a girl, and all I remember thinking is ‘maybe that’s it’ maybe I’m transgender and I was meant to be a girl. That didn’t feel right either. I never thought I would figure out what was wrong with me. I thought I was broken, maybe something went wrong when I was created, maybe my parents dropped me on my head when I was a baby or maybe I was just never meant to exist.” They stop talking to take a deep breath.  
“Turns out there is a word for how I’m feeling. It didn’t really exist yet back when we were alive but it’s me. I’m nonbinary.” they whisper the words to the floor, fidgeting with the hem of their flannel.  
“Nonbinary? What’s that?” Luke asks, head tilted slightly to the side and an adorable curiosity in his eyes. It’s such a Luke look that Reggie can’t help but chuckle.  
“It basically means that I’m not a boy or a girl, I’m not on the gender binary.” Reggie looks at Alex and Luke and sees them nod but they can see the uncertainty in their eyes. “Flynn explains it better! Julie, can you ask Flynn to explain?”  
They watch as Julie asks Flynn to explain and watch Flynn explain, eyes flickering over to Luke and Alex every other sentence and as they see the realisation dawn in their bandmates eyes, they feel their own nerves settle down.  
“That’s totally awesome, Reg!” Alex smiles at them. “I’m glad you found a word that fits you and that you felt comfortable telling us.”  
“Yeah!” Luke echoes. “I’m proud of you, dud- wait. Can I still say dude or should I say something else?”  
“I think pal would be better? Or just Reggie.” Reggie smiles, Luke and Alex don’t hate them, they understand. They really have the coolest bandmates. Luke gives them a thumbs up and Reggie grins at him.  
“Group hug!” They have half a second to prepare before Julie, who calls out for the hug, jumps up and hugs them close, Luke and Alex are quick to follow.  
And as Reggie stands in the garage, the safest place they’ve ever known in both life and death, surrounded by the people that they love most, they decide everything will be okay. No matter what life throws at them, they would be okay. With the support of Flynn and their band, they could face anything.


End file.
